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  • Writer's pictureLori Reid, for URListed


“Older home of diminished value.” In the world, this description can be baffling. Does it mean house prices have dropped in the area? Does it mean the place needs fixing up? Or does it mean the dud needs tearing down? While I pride myself on the clear, concise descriptions I write for every home I list, a few realtors specialize in cryptography. Well, have no fear, I am here to decode their words for you . . .

1) “Newer well, septic, and roof is sitting in sunny location”

This was written by a Realtor who B) thinks it is important for your septic tank to marinate in the sun or, B) doesn’t speak English.

2) “With a little vision, this great little house could be a perfect starter home. Close to several great restaurants.”

This one “needs a little work” like new electrical, new plumbing, new walls, and a new basement before you can even move in. You’ll also need the names of those restaurants because this home will probably require a new kitchen too.

3) “This manufactured home has an attached carport to extend living space”

Realtor attempting to “manufacture” more square footage by having you sleep in the carport.

4) “1500 sq. ft. home with six bedrooms, bringing in $3000. Will take TLC to bring back to its former glory.”

The owner gets thousands of dollars renting it to 12 people, and hasn’t invested a penny in it in 20 years.

5) “Situated in Nanaimo, just a short 45 minute drive from downtown”

This property is NOT in Nanaimo . . .

6) “Two bedroom in mobile home park that allows cats and dogs”

If this is the entire description, be afraid, be VERY afraid.

7) “Clean and Tidy”

The house has no redeeming features other than it is well, clean and tidy. Forget that the second bedroom is really the laundry room, and the windows are all boarded up.

8) “A unique home”

The stairs lead to nowhere, and the toilet paper holder is in the shower.

9) “Huge dick for entertaining and enjoying the view”

This Realtor needs to learn how to spell check!

10) “Annual taxes are $582,960.”

If this amount is more than the cost of the home, either the Realtor placed the decimal in the wrong place, or the house is in an incredibly exclusive neighbourhood.

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